Broken ( Part 1)

 

"What's Love?", the question was tossed to me. My name is  Sayani and I am in my forties. " Love is an emotion and not a physical activity. Soulmates are true". I wanted to say all these, but couldn't utter a word. The colorful love stories of friends were a fantasy for me.  Hey, I never said stone brokes can't have a love story. It's not the prerogative of the rich. Situations play a predominant part. But situations can be queer and preposterous that you won't be able to define sentiments. Love was achromatic for me. I always misunderstood different emotions as a form of love and turned out to be a farce later. Memories took her 15 years back.

 She was hitched with him emotionally. The following notions came to her mind while waiting in the lift lobby of his apartment. " How logical is this love story? He is a client only and I get paid for sex every time. But he tends, feeds, and shares activities with me. I am not going to him for a remunerated sex anymore. Hey, Now don't label me as a courtesan. I won't assert that I was forced to do this. I hate this. But it financially supports me in my studies. It was a catalyst to brush off my first breakup as well. My first lover was a trickster. I was an imbecile to fall into that relationship. He pushed off for a different girl and never shown any warmth while deserting me.  When I sleep with my clients I am avenging him. I abhor men. They yearn for sexual pleasures at most and fabricate relationships for the same. I witnessed numerous sexual psychopaths. They compelled me to do unusual things. I relished some activities and despised some. But once it's finished I always felt that I have been exploited and lobbed like a muck. I used to cry my heart out for hours beneath the shower.

I used to scribble my skepticisms in a diary. A pensive emptiness developed across my mind frequently seeing inscriptions in my diary. I am not rationalizing my deeds. I didn't even know whether it's erroneous. It's not at all a good experience to showcase your nudity to strange people and go through their anomalies. I had to fight for my payment with the client. But I had no choice. I was drifting through a fringe between losing or finding myself. But this person was contrasting. He never compelled me to do anything. He sketched my various postures. I don't know about his expectations of me. His glimpses of affection and care towards me may be an indication of my obscured love. They conversed the whole box of wax candidly. " It may be the conclusion of your quest for yourself", my broken mind uttered. There was no lovemaking on that day. They sat and spoke for hours. I ate food cooked by him. His preparation was awful.

I went back to the doorway of his flat. He was standing right there gazing at me.  " Whether you love me? ", I asked. My eyes were sparkling. " Did you even know what are you asking?", he asked back. " I broke up with many girls and my experiences with relationships were nasty. I can't give you any commitment. ", he added. " Why did you show care to me? Was it love or sympathy? Whether it was because of my sexual performance? " I yelled in anger. He gave an oration about the ill effects of this relationship. I realized that social status and showoff in society are the major deciding factors of a relationship. I can be a hush-hush lover which cant be unveiled to the public. When society emerges, revolutionary thoughts will terminate.      "It's alright. I understood. You can fund transfer my payment, "I told. " You know my charges, right? ", I  asked him with a fake smile. He was shocked and relieved. " Shall I drop you? " He asked. " My next client is waiting. He sent me his vehicle. Thanks for that stale food" I told with a smile. 

" Love is something which molds and equips you for the upcoming combats. It's the first leap of faith of our heart", I replied to the anchor. The applause from the crowd has reverbed in the entire hall. "That's all from this session with Ms.Sayani, the most successful entrepreneur and performing artist of the country". I stood up and acknowledged the crowd. My heart was broken, but it was bleeding life, not blood...